Tuesday, January 6th

I was kind of happy that Liverpool won last night, now we know somebody English can win at Wimbledon.

As a social experiment I had my son wear a Manchester United shirt. So far he’s been kicked,punched,spat on and verbally abused.
I dread to think what will happen when he gets out of the house.

In a rather optimistic bout of irony, wouldn’t it be wonderful if Frozen lovers just, let it go.

My girlfriend thinks that one day I’ll be a brilliant father, but I’m not convinced.
And neither are our children.

The world hide and seek champion said it was his intention to get married this year but his perfect woman would be hard to find.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she’ll never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

My wife finds it quite stressful to have two children.
Especially as she had three when she left the house this morning.

I was at the pub last night and got carried away again.
Fuck knows who stole my wheelchair this time.

“I’d like to check myself out,” I said to the receptionist at the hotel.
“Go ahead, there’s a mirror behind you,” she said.

Monday, 5th January

The thing about vampires is they always have such biting humour.

The grammarian was never late. He was always very punctual.

You don’t know anything at all about ancient Egypt? Tut, tut, tut.

It’s a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

The first time I got hold of a hang glider I had to wing it.

A young girl in charge of her tribe would be called little miss-chief.

A dozen swimmers started a race at the stroke of twelve.

It’s true. I don’t like soap, but you don’t have to rub it in my face!

They argued about their vacation and finally stayed at the last resort.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Friday, January 2nd (Part 2)

Want to hear a Potassium joke? K.

What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
“Oh sheet!”

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Teacher: “Kids,what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn’t find the “10” button.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Student: “HIJKLMNO.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Student: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O!”

How do trees access the internet?
They log in.

Friday, January 2nd (Part 1)

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stops after three hos.

How much coke has Charlie Sheen snorted? Enough to kill two and a half men.

What kind of sushi does Lady Gaga eat? Raw, raw, raw, raw, rawwww!

Elton John used to work at the sperm bank, but he was fired for drinking on the job.

Yo mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Why did Miley and Liam break up?
It just wasn’t twerking.

What do you call 5 gay guys walking straight?
One Direction.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Joanna.
Joanna who?
Joanna build a snowman?

What show do cows love to watch while they’re eating?
Graze Anatomy.

Tuesday, December 30th

Why do ship captains understand their sons so well? They’re able to fathom the depth of their buoys!

I heard the new auto body shop that opened comes highly wreck-a-mended.

I went to go see the movie ‘Shrek’ last weekend, it was so ogre rated.

After a berry successful attempt to produce a new line of crops, her dreams came to full fruition.

What kind of crime is committed when a bird is attacked? A featheral offense.

I was thinking that hot air balloon operators don’t make very good friends. Sure they can be uplifting at times, but in the end they always bring you down.

When the church posted the new, sped up service schedule on the plaza it was mass times acceleration squared.

The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.

Let’s just enjoy the time that’s hours.

Two tropical fruits fought in a cage match – it was mango a mango.

I planned to find my watch today, but I didn’t have the time.

I call my German friend ‘Einstein’.
He’s pissed after one pint.

“Get yourself dressed love,” I said to my wife, “it’s two courses for a tenner today.”
“Great, I’m starving” she replied.
“What the fuck are you on about?” I said, “I need you to carry my golf clubs.”

Timothy Dalton came into my pharmacy today for some Optrex.
“For your eyes only.” I told him.
“Fuck off.” He replied, “That was Roger Moore.”

Monday, December 29th (Part 2)

I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.
They scare the shit out of me.

Once a year my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares. I baked a couple of cakes to flog – one was priced at a pound, and the other one was a fiver.
A chap stopped at my stall and looked at the cakes, before pointing at the one costing a fiver and asking, “what type of cake is that one, then?”
I replied, “That’s Madeira cake!”

My son kept saying, “Dad, Dad I’m hot, I’m hot. I need an ice cream. Can I get one please?”
He just kept going on and on, so in the end I couldn’t take the whinging any more. I gave in and I got him a Magnum.
He used it to rob the ice cream man.

Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned, spilling its load across the M1.
Police are combing the area.

My great grandfather once paid a famous artist to draw a portrait of him.

Unfortunately the artist died half way through and never got to finish the work, so that was a waste of Monet.

You know that you’re getting old when your narrow waist swaps places with your broad mind.

My leg won’t stop mooing.
I think I’ve got a calf injury.

With Christmas over, thoughts turn to booking a summer holiday for the wife and mother-in-law…
So far, I’ve narrowed it down to an Italian cruise ship or flights to Malaysia.

I was at the checkout in Iceland and the cashier spotted the item I had left in my trolley.
“You’ll have to pay for that too.” She said.
“No I won’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re Findus Kippers.”

We’re having a surprise 110th birthday party for my Grandad tonight.
His funeral will be held next Tuesday.

I’ve just watched a documentary on BBC2 about belching.
I think it was a repeat.

Outside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness.
So I bought a Flake.

Facebook game requests are like the jehovah’s witnesses of the internet

My mate went to a fancy dress party as a silent bee.
“Very subtle,” I thought.

Monday, December 29th (Part 1)

I just read that the film POMPEII is being made. I haven’t seen the first Pompe yet.

Took a fat girl out for dinner two weeks ago.
She’s still there.

I’ve just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes using vinyl.
Surely that’s some kind of record.

A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet.
He got lost at C.

I have come to the realisation that I am in fact, a man trapped inside a womans body….
I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

Call me bigoted if you like, but I’d rather have a Swedish blow up doll than an Islamic one.

Saturday, December 27th

The wife demanded I explain why I masturbated into her selection box.
Boy, was that a sticky topic.

My girlfriend’s family walked into the kitchen to see the oven door open, the turkey on the table, and me with my trousers round my ankles.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” she screamed.
“Isn’t this what you meant by giving it the prick test?”

I was talking to a bloke in the pub last night,”Well back to work tomorrow, I expect I will be busy with returns, but I do get a lot of job satisfaction though ”
“I didn’t know you worked in retail, ” he replied,
“Retail? ” I said, “no, not at all, I work for immigration control. ”

My wife said that she wanted a Selfie Stick for Christmas.
Or “dildo” as they call them in Ann Summers.

Neil Armstrong took five photos on the moon. My girlfriend takes double that before every meal.

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
Asked Daniella Westbrook taking in a new delivery from her dealer.

A teenage boy walks into a library, and sheepishly asks the librarian: “Have you got any books with pictures of naked ladies?”
The librarian replies: “Have you checked the catalogue?”
The boys says: “Yes, but they were all wearing underwear.”

My wife made me take my three year old son for a haircut earlier.
There was punching, kicking, crying, screaming, even grabbed the hairdresser’s tits at one point.
The kid was well behaved though.

I couldn’t believe my luck when my wife suggested a sex holiday.
“Oooh,” I said, “what did you have in mind?”
“6 months,” she replied, “or maybe a year if I’m still not in the mood.”

It’s the same every fucking Christmas.
“That’s your third beer! Why do you have to drink?”
Sometimes I hate being a taxi driver.

Tuesday, December 23rd (Part 2)

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It’s Saint-NICKEL-LESS

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Tuesday, December 23rd (Part 1)

My friend is really interested in magnets.
Personally, I can’t see the attraction.

Know what’s odd?
About every other number.

I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box and it failed miserably.
It doesn’t surprise me.

I’m having the most amazing sex with my best friend’s bird……
That ought to ruffle a few feathers!!

You won’t believe me when I tell you this, but I’m a big liar.

One of my mates has the habit of humming this really annoying pop song. All the fucking time.
So I took him outside with a gun to his head, and told him to start digging his own grave…
He soon changed his tune.

I thought I’d dug up an unknown species of dinosaur in my back garden.
Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum, but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

My son made it through a blood transfusion so I bought him a 50″ HDTV.
He loves his new plasma.

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.
The barman says, “I’m serving Narnia!”