Monthly Archives: December 2014

Tuesday, December 30th

Why do ship captains understand their sons so well? They’re able to fathom the depth of their buoys! I heard the new auto body shop that opened comes highly wreck-a-mended. I went to go see the movie ‘Shrek’ last weekend, … Continue reading

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Monday, December 29th (Part 2)

I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets. They scare the shit out of me. Once a year my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares. I baked a couple of cakes to flog – one was … Continue reading

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Monday, December 29th (Part 1)

I just read that the film POMPEII is being made. I haven’t seen the first Pompe yet. Took a fat girl out for dinner two weeks ago. She’s still there. I’ve just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes … Continue reading

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Saturday, December 27th

The wife demanded I explain why I masturbated into her selection box. Boy, was that a sticky topic. My girlfriend’s family walked into the kitchen to see the oven door open, the turkey on the table, and me with my … Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 23rd (Part 2)

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus. What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper! Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the … Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 23rd (Part 1)

My friend is really interested in magnets. Personally, I can’t see the attraction. Know what’s odd? About every other number. I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box and it failed miserably. It doesn’t surprise me. I’m having the most amazing sex with … Continue reading

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Friday, December 19th (Part 2)

The woman whose voice provided the speaking clock has passed away. Apparently it was her third stroke. Why are photographers always so depressed? Because they always focus on the negatives. I never jump on bandwagons. I climb the steps carefully … Continue reading

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Friday, December 19th (Part 1)

Why did the potato go to the pub? To get mashed I’ve just bought a hive, but it’s not producing any honey. It’s like the occupants don’t have a clue what to do.¬†Bloody new bees. I’m heading to Greenwich later … Continue reading

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Thursday, December 18th (Part 2)

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.” I played in a football match that ended in … Continue reading

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Thursday, December 18th (Part 1)

Just checked out bigbustycoons.com. Damn those guys have really good bus companies!! Last night my girlfriend was in the bath and 2 lesbians broke in and got naked and started wrestling her! I tried to help but I could only … Continue reading

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