Friday, December 19th (Part 2)

The woman whose voice provided the speaking clock has passed away.
Apparently it was her third stroke.

Why are photographers always so depressed?
Because they always focus on the negatives.

I never jump on bandwagons.
I climb the steps carefully so as not to damage my trombone.

I met this dwarf called Peter the other day, he’s a baker and he was telling me all about baking flatbreads, it was fascinating.
I love the Pita patter of tiny Pete.

I bought “Supermarkets- The videogame”.
I was disappointed by the lack of Co-op

I went to a party for meteorologists yesterday.
Lovely atmosphere.

Buzz Aldrin’s best pick-up line.
“Hey, I was the second man on the moon. Neil before me.”

I just bought one of those wind-up torches the other day. It’s crap! I’ve been calling it a cunt for the last hour and it still doesn’t work!

If I see one more person misuse an apostrophe on this site Ill go fucking nut’s !

Whoever invented the selfie needs to take a good look at themselves.

I’ve just come back from the corner shop.
I bought four corners.

Toucan play that game

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Friday, December 19th (Part 1)

Why did the potato go to the pub? To get mashed

I’ve just bought a hive, but it’s not producing any honey. It’s like the occupants don’t have a clue what to do. Bloody new bees.

I’m heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time.

What do you call it when a fraud falls from the top of a building?

I was recently asked if as a young boy, was my mother very strict with me.
I said, ‘let me get one thing straight, my mother was never a young boy.’

It has been annoying me for ages because I forgot the name of the actor that played Forrest Gump, then someone told me today.

A 5.2 magnitude earthquake has hit the town of Lorca in southern Spain.
Several buildings have been reduced to a paella rubble.

Winzip files are becoming rar these days.

I’ve just met this lass who shares my fetish for flowers.
We’ve come to an arrangement…

Pun intended

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Thursday, December 18th (Part 2)

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I played in a football match that ended in a 2-2 draw.
No 1-1

Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads, my mate Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar, however we were all surprised when he was skillfully revived by a retired Doctor who appeared out of nowhere…
… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

I love my English teacher.
I would hate him if he was any other nationality.

My uncle slipped on some beans last week.
If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name.
It’s P something T something R.

I used to file my nails, but I thought: ‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

I stole money from a Dutch holy woman.
She was Nun Der Weiser.

In France they make their omelettes with only one egg.
You see, in France one egg is an oeuf

This isn't even remotely funny

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Thursday, December 18th (Part 1)

Just checked out Damn those guys have really good bus companies!!

Last night my girlfriend was in the bath and 2 lesbians broke in and got naked and started wrestling her! I tried to help but I could only knock one out.

I took my dog to a car showroom today.
I turned to him and said, “They have an interesting Range Rover.”

My 5yr old son was expelled from school for race crime……he used blu tac on his egg and spoon.

I’m a great bird handler, my technique is impeccable.

A minor background part actor walks into a massage parlour and asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.
The lady replies “Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.
I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

Support your local search and rescue squad. Get lost

You have a lot of balls

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Tuesday, December 16th (Part 2)

My mate was trying to convince me that there are these islands way out in the Atlantic which are technically part of Britain.
“No way,” I said, “that’s just Scilly.”

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I work at the Royal Mint and, to be honest, I make a lot of money.

I hate my internet provider.
It may be Virgin, but it keeps going down on me.

My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction before I got carried away.

Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat.
They smell a bit but at least they’re free.

Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?
Revenge! The road had crossed him the week before.

I invented the upside down house.
It’s now a top cellar.

Commas, they save lives

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Tuesday, December 16th (Part 1)

Potatoes are pretty good in the sack

Meeting:   A place where minutes are taken but hours are fucking wasted.

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

The government bill to ban alcohol was met by a chorus of booze.

I went on a date with a black bird last night.
We went to a crow bar.

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time.
They were real people, i just imagined they were my friends.

I was born when I was very young

I went to the doctors and he said I was in the early stages of heart disease.
I took it with a pinch of salt.

Santa has seen your Facebook Status

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Monday, December 15th (part 2)

Did you hear Craig David is quitting singing to join the British archery team? He’s gonna be their bow selector

My plan to get my dog to eat my semen is coming on a treat

I got an email the other day saying “we at google earth can read maps backwards” I thought “I might as well delete that it’s just spam”

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame

My son is starting school soon and he is worried the other kids will pick on him because of his name. I said “don’t be silly Someoneyourownsize, why would anybody pick on you?”

Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar film collection. I said ok you can borrow toy story, cars and finding nemo, but I’m never gonna give you up

When I was a child my dad used to try and force feed me. After a while my mum said “just use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi!!”

My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the monkees. I thought she must be joking! And then I saw her face

A Pyramid Scheme

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Monday, December 15th (part 1)

I start my new job serving food at a restaurant tomorrow, I can’t wait!

Somebody keeps adding soil to my allotment at night and I have no idea why! The plot thickens

My wife has left me. All because of my fetish with touching pasta. In feeling cannelloni right now

I’ve just started a band called 999megabytes. We haven’t done a gig yet

One of the newborns on the intensive care unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shakin’ that ass

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery, I’ve had it up to here with them

My mate dug a big hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well

It’s really difficult to find what you are looking for on eBay. I was looking for cigarette lighters and I found over 15,000 matches!

I'm so tired

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Friday, December 12th (Part 2)

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don’t work.

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.

What do you call two people in an ambulance? A pair of medics.

Why isn’t whispering permitted in class? Because it’s not aloud.

What’s Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O’Furniture.

What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.

Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Saving Private Ryan

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Friday, December 12th (Part 1)

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.

What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.

Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa’s reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin’ the sleigh.

How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.

Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.

Christmas Drinking Game

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