I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.
They scare the shit out of me.
Once a year my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares. I baked a couple of cakes to flog – one was priced at a pound, and the other one was a fiver.
A chap stopped at my stall and looked at the cakes, before pointing at the one costing a fiver and asking, “what type of cake is that one, then?”
I replied, “That’s Madeira cake!”
My son kept saying, “Dad, Dad I’m hot, I’m hot. I need an ice cream. Can I get one please?”
He just kept going on and on, so in the end I couldn’t take the whinging any more. I gave in and I got him a Magnum.
He used it to rob the ice cream man.
Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned, spilling its load across the M1.
Police are combing the area.
My great grandfather once paid a famous artist to draw a portrait of him.
Unfortunately the artist died half way through and never got to finish the work, so that was a waste of Monet.
You know that you’re getting old when your narrow waist swaps places with your broad mind.
My leg won’t stop mooing.
I think I’ve got a calf injury.
With Christmas over, thoughts turn to booking a summer holiday for the wife and mother-in-law…
So far, I’ve narrowed it down to an Italian cruise ship or flights to Malaysia.
I was at the checkout in Iceland and the cashier spotted the item I had left in my trolley.
“You’ll have to pay for that too.” She said.
“No I won’t.”
“Because they’re Findus Kippers.”
We’re having a surprise 110th birthday party for my Grandad tonight.
His funeral will be held next Tuesday.
I’ve just watched a documentary on BBC2 about belching.
I think it was a repeat.
Outside my local school, the kids were selling chocolate to raise money for eczema awareness.
So I bought a Flake.
Facebook game requests are like the jehovah’s witnesses of the internet
My mate went to a fancy dress party as a silent bee.
“Very subtle,” I thought.