The wife demanded I explain why I masturbated into her selection box.
Boy, was that a sticky topic.
My girlfriend’s family walked into the kitchen to see the oven door open, the turkey on the table, and me with my trousers round my ankles.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” she screamed.
“Isn’t this what you meant by giving it the prick test?”
I was talking to a bloke in the pub last night,”Well back to work tomorrow, I expect I will be busy with returns, but I do get a lot of job satisfaction though ”
“I didn’t know you worked in retail, ” he replied,
“Retail? ” I said, “no, not at all, I work for immigration control. ”
My wife said that she wanted a Selfie Stick for Christmas.
Or “dildo” as they call them in Ann Summers.
Neil Armstrong took five photos on the moon. My girlfriend takes double that before every meal.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
Asked Daniella Westbrook taking in a new delivery from her dealer.
A teenage boy walks into a library, and sheepishly asks the librarian: “Have you got any books with pictures of naked ladies?”
The librarian replies: “Have you checked the catalogue?”
The boys says: “Yes, but they were all wearing underwear.”
My wife made me take my three year old son for a haircut earlier.
There was punching, kicking, crying, screaming, even grabbed the hairdresser’s tits at one point.
The kid was well behaved though.
I couldn’t believe my luck when my wife suggested a sex holiday.
“Oooh,” I said, “what did you have in mind?”
“6 months,” she replied, “or maybe a year if I’m still not in the mood.”
It’s the same every fucking Christmas.
“That’s your third beer! Why do you have to drink?”
Sometimes I hate being a taxi driver.