Monthly Archives: December 2014

Tuesday, December 16th (Part 2)

My mate was trying to convince me that there are these islands way out in the Atlantic which are technically part of Britain. “No way,” I said, “that’s just Scilly.” I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be … Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 16th (Part 1)

Potatoes are pretty good in the sack Meeting:   A place where minutes are taken but hours are fucking wasted. It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often … Continue reading

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Monday, December 15th (part 2)

Did you hear Craig David is quitting singing to join the British archery team? He’s gonna be their bow selector My plan to get my dog to eat my semen is coming on a treat I got an email the … Continue reading

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Monday, December 15th (part 1)

I start my new job serving food at a restaurant tomorrow, I can’t wait! Somebody keeps adding soil to my allotment at night and I have no idea why! The plot thickens My wife has left me. All because of … Continue reading

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Friday, December 12th (Part 2)

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent. He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don’t work. Old hardware engineers never die, … Continue reading

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Friday, December 12th (Part 1)

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so. What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen. What does a spy do when … Continue reading

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Thursday, December 11th (Part 2)

Ever since my experiments with radiation turned me into a voucher, I have been looking for a way to redeem myself My mate lent me £5000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit. Cunt stole … Continue reading

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Thursday, December 11th (part 1)

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head. I must say I’m inclined to agree. I’m making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. Star Key and Hash Coke dealers. Always sticking their … Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 9th (Part 2)

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt….. So, I made a move on her. I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on … Continue reading

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Tuesday, December 9th (Part 1)

My boss accused me of not forwarding an email her way. I resent that. My wife was stressed out earlier, so I decapitated her. Hope that took the weight off her shoulders “Storm spares Philippines capital” I thought the X-Men … Continue reading

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