Thursday, December 18th (Part 2)

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I played in a football match that ended in a 2-2 draw.
No 1-1

Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads, my mate Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar, however we were all surprised when he was skillfully revived by a retired Doctor who appeared out of nowhere…
… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

I love my English teacher.
I would hate him if he was any other nationality.

My uncle slipped on some beans last week.
If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name.
It’s P something T something R.

I used to file my nails, but I thought: ‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

I stole money from a Dutch holy woman.
She was Nun Der Weiser.

In France they make their omelettes with only one egg.
You see, in France one egg is an oeuf

This isn't even remotely funny

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