Monday, December 15th (part 2)

Did you hear Craig David is quitting singing to join the British archery team? He’s gonna be their bow selector

My plan to get my dog to eat my semen is coming on a treat

I got an email the other day saying “we at google earth can read maps backwards” I thought “I might as well delete that it’s just spam”

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame

My son is starting school soon and he is worried the other kids will pick on him because of his name. I said “don’t be silly Someoneyourownsize, why would anybody pick on you?”

Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar film collection. I said ok you can borrow toy story, cars and finding nemo, but I’m never gonna give you up

When I was a child my dad used to try and force feed me. After a while my mum said “just use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi!!”

My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the monkees. I thought she must be joking! And then I saw her face

A Pyramid Scheme

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