Monday, December 15th (part 1)

I start my new job serving food at a restaurant tomorrow, I can’t wait!

Somebody keeps adding soil to my allotment at night and I have no idea why! The plot thickens

My wife has left me. All because of my fetish with touching pasta. In feeling cannelloni right now

I’ve just started a band called 999megabytes. We haven’t done a gig yet

One of the newborns on the intensive care unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shakin’ that ass

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery, I’ve had it up to here with them

My mate dug a big hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well

It’s really difficult to find what you are looking for on eBay. I was looking for cigarette lighters and I found over 15,000 matches!

I'm so tired

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