Thursday, December 11th (Part 2)

Ever since my experiments with radiation turned me into a voucher, I have been looking for a way to redeem myself

My mate lent me £5000 to produce my idea of a fruit-based torch, then took all credit.
Cunt stole my limelight.

I saw a girl in the distance.
She had horizon me

I just changed my Facebook password to ’14 days’ but it said it was ‘Too weak’

If men get morning wood…..
Do women get morning dew?

What nationality is Mr Sheen?
Polish.

I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife.
Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious.
I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an Abacus.
It’s what’s inside that counts.

Royal Mail takes ages to come.
Kate Middleton is going to be very sore on her honeymoon.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; there’s nothing more irritating than cunts who repeat themselves.

The Tides have turned

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