Monday, October 27th

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I went to Premature Ejaculators Anonymous but nobody was there.
I guess I came too soon.

After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, “You know, this isn’t working out.”

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But it doesn’t matter none of them work

A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

I’m trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke but its not twerking.

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more furniture… but all i really wanted was a one night stand.

A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

Shih-tzu pun

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