Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
I went to Premature Ejaculators Anonymous but nobody was there.
I guess I came too soon.
After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, “You know, this isn’t working out.”
I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But it doesn’t matter none of them work
A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.
I’m trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke but its not twerking.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more furniture… but all i really wanted was a one night stand.
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.