Friday, October 24th

When a guy pulls his penis out, he can tell what his partner thinks about his size based on their sighs.

If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.

“I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Autocorrect.

People are willing to pose nude for artists they don’t even know – color me cautious, I think it seems sketchy. 

When the cigarette lighter salesman tried to win back his old flame he found that he had met his match.

The carpenter came round the other day, he made the best entrance I have ever seen.

Murder with knives is very messy, and I suggest not taking a stab at it.

You can’t sing with a mouthful of garbanzo beans, so hummus a tune.

Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns, but the third has groan in significance.

I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.

Mummies are bound to be uptight.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Tool meme

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